Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
All I want is dick and wine.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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