He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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