I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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