Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
