u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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