But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I want you more than these girls want KFC
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
