i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
