oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize