He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
