soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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