My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
