i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
