you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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