It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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