I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Be still, my beating vagina.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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