it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
