if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i think i have two assholes
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
