I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
