I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
