What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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