It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
