Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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