I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
