i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
