I got chris browned last night
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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