Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize