Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
