My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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