u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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