I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Randomize
