Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
