after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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