how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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