Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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