I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
