When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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