Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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