So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
