awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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