So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
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