I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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