Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
