Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
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