I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Oh god it's open bar.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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