there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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