Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
