The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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