Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
