Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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