You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
