this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
