I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
