So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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