i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
