Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Randomize
