What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
