oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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