i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize