Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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