I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
