Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize