if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize