She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
