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Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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